Journal Entry - The Fear of Being Silenced
Today I felt something I never expected to feel over a social media account: genuine fear and despair.
When I saw that my X account had been suspended, it felt like the floor had disappeared beneath me. At first, there was confusion. I kept refreshing the screen, hoping it was some kind of glitch, hoping it would suddenly fix itself. But when it didn’t, that confusion quickly turned into panic.
It is hard to explain to people who might see it as “just an account.” It was never just an account to me. It was my voice, my platform, my connection to people, and the place where I had built conversations, shared my thoughts, and stood up for what I believe in. Seeing it suddenly gone felt like being locked out of a part of my own life.
The fear hit hard. My chest tightened, and my mind immediately spiralled into worst-case scenarios. What if it is permanent? What if years of work, connections, conversations, and everything I had built there were simply erased? What if I never get it back?
Then came the despair.
It was that heavy, sinking feeling of helplessness. The kind where no matter how many times you check for updates or try to appeal, everything is out of your hands. There is something deeply unsettling about having no control, about knowing that something important can be taken away instantly without warning.
What made it worse was the silence. No clear explanation, no immediate way to fix it, just uncertainty hanging over everything. That uncertainty is what fuels the fear. It leaves space for every anxious thought to grow louder.
But in the middle of all of that fear and uncertainty, something unexpected happened. The support has been incredible.
The messages, the encouragement, and the people reaching out to check in have meant more than I can put into words. So many people have gone out of their way to offer help, to post on my behalf, to tag support, and to remind me that my voice matters and that what I have built has made an impact.
At a time when I felt powerless and isolated, that support reminded me that I am not facing this alone. It reminded me that behind the account are real people, real connections, and a community that genuinely cares.
That support has been the one thing keeping the despair from completely taking over. It has turned what could have been a moment of total defeat into one of reflection and gratitude.
I realised today how much emotional weight we can place on the spaces where we speak, connect, and express ourselves. Losing access felt like being cut off, like being silenced, even if only temporarily.
But being reminded of the people standing behind me has shown me that my voice is bigger than one platform.
Tonight, I am still sitting with the fear of not knowing what will happen next. I still feel the uncertainty and the heaviness of waiting.
But alongside that fear is gratitude.
And for now, that support is giving me hope.
It seems Alan Gor does not know why he was removed from X, formerly known as Twitter. It is more than likely that he was silenced because his advocacy for tobacco harm reduction had been too effective and was reaching too many people. The way tobacco control operates from the shadows, we will probably never be able to prove this. Nor will that suspicion be ever disproved. Tobacco control avoids discussion or debate with advocates of tobacco harm reduction even if these are conducted privately and if politeness and respect are guaranteed. Who else would try to silence Alan? Meanwhile the inexorable global replacement of deadly cigarettes by safer, smoke-free nicotine products will continue. Just as Alan will also find new ways to continue his powerful advocacy for tobacco harm reduction.
We stick together, we are an adopted family, who will speak up when we see an injustice. The same as we did for Dr. Glover a few years ago. I hope this issue is resolved soon. (prayer icon). Hang in there, I understand. (hugs) ♥